Entertainment crap

Right, it’s time for my first proper rant of the year. A double rant, in fact.

Part one of this rant is directed at Daniel Craig. Yes, he looks good in a pair of Speedos and doesn’t make a bad James Bond, but that’s not what I’m complaining about. It’s the whole The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo remake that has me mentally reaching for my imaginary Taser (oh, my mind is a truly scary place, but we’re happy in here).

Why did the aforementioned Daniel Craig feel the need to warn potential viewers to leave the kids at home? Did he think the average parent would decide a movie about a vicious serial killer, with a spot of rape and other assorted misogynous acts chucked in for good measure, would make great family viewing?

And even worse, the Daily Mail thought that him telling mums and dads to leave the kids at home was newsworthy.

The next part of my rant is directed at Readings, which unfortunately runs the one and only movie theatre in Invercargill: why does it take so long to get some movies in our city? They open everywhere else and we are left waiting like some third world backwater.

I was interested in seeing the remake of Dragon Tattoo, simply because I’ve read all three books and watched all three of the original movies and was interested in comparing this new version to those three incredibly powerful films.

It opened on December 21 everywhere. Well, everywhere but here.

I have no idea when it will make it to our fair city and I no longer give a flying fuck, having read all the bad reviews it has received (hmmm, maybe I should be thanking the morons managers at Readings for saving me a few bucks).

We might get the first one here some time before the wrap up filming on the sequel, which Sony has now confirmed will go ahead despite Dragon Tattoo’s poor performance.

This isn’t the first time a big-note movie has been delayed here and it won’t be the last but I’m baffled at how it is we can get sparkly fecking vampires on our screens at the same time as everyone else but not anything that might appeal to grownups.

And Daniel Craig: stick to filling out the nice blue Speedos and doing Bond-like stuff. You’re no Sean Connery but you make a better replacement for him than for Mikael Nyqvist.

What is it with all these pop tartlets feeling the need to flash their bits about the place? Can’t they get by on talent?

After all the usual dramas in the past with Paris Hilton, Britney Spears etc being photographed out on the town without their undies on, and all the sex tapes from Paris Hilton (do I sense a trend there?) and others popping up on the net you’d think they’d know better than to put themselves in a position where their uncovered flesh might come back bite them on the bum (figuratively, not literally … because that would involve some weird flexibility issues).

Scarlett Johansson is the latest wee flibbertigibbet* be embarrassed by revealing photos of herself. Well, there were topless photos of some blonde bint who’s married to a Pomgolian footballer but I’d never heard of her and besides, it’s about as classy as one would expect from a WAG (no offence Zara, we all know that you’re not the slapper in your particular blonde-and-sportsman equation).

But I digress: back to Ms Johansson. She was one of a group of celebs who had their phones hacked and content stolen: in her case slightly revealing photos. Of course, they’ve been all over the web since then and in the scheme of things, they aren’t so bad. She actually took the photos herself, posing “tastefully” with her arse reflected in a mirror. I won’t point you in the direction of any of those photos but will say that skeevy hackers stealing private photos and posting them are the ones in the wrong, not the actress taking a photo of her own bum.

And there there’s Rihanna, gadding about Ireland with her norks out for a video, and  upsetting that poor bloody farmer. What is it with that woman? She seems to have become pop’s wannabe bad girl, singing songs that seem to glorify violence and jet-setting around the world wearing, well, bugger all actually.

* Flibbertigibbet is a Middle English word that refers to a flighty or whimsical person, usually a young woman or pop tartlet.