Online column

(This is the Online column, written for The Southland Times)

It’s hard to keep up with all the latest fads being adopted by all those crazy kids out there but I think I’ll pass on the planking and go straight to the plonking.

“Plonking” I hear you say … ”what’s that?”

Well, I’m glad you asked. Plonking is much safer than planking (also known as the lying down game or extreme lying down) and a whole lot less messy than coning (the art of eating an ice cream cone upside down. The ice cream cone, that is, not the person eating it).

The art of plonking (or the extreme sitting down game) involves plonking yourself down on the couch, opening a bottle of plonk and enjoying the contents.

If you really want to show your talent, you could have a crack at synchronised plonking with a friend.

And then there’s the other craze that’s got everyone talking online at the moment. You know, the one that involves dodgy people claiming to be from legitimate security companies, phoning to say ”ooooh, your poor computer is at risk. It’s under attack. The sky is falling down. Let me have remote access to your computer so I can fix it (translation: so I can plant a virus on said machine) and please give me your credit card number so I can process your payment for this wonderful service (translation: so I can steal your identity and buy dodgy porn involving women with moustaches and possibly an assortment of livestock)”.

I had yet another call from one of these ”technicians” just the other day and it’s good to see that when they’re not busy trying to violate my poor computer and steal my money, they are taking the time to keep up to date on the new trends because when I used a particular term to explain what I thought of him, the bloke on the other end of the phone misheard me and thought I was talking about planking.

He told me that no, he wasn’t a planker because it was dangerous.

But back to the coning fad, which is the subject of this week’s video. Just in case you need either instruction or inspiration:

(This is the Online column, written for The Southland Times)

Has Facebook peaked? Has the bubble burst? Will it still be part of our lives a decade from now.

I’m sure these burning questions are  on everyone’s lips after the Inside Facebook report this week that shows as Facebook gets close to having 700 million users around the world, the social networking site has actually had a decent drop in traffic in the United States and Canada.

Of course Facebook reckons the numbers might be wrong, but with all the grumbling about lack of respect for our privacy I wouldn’t be surprised if users got a little twitchy. I know I  have. However, I’m constantly surprised by just how much personal information many of my online friends choose to share with the rest of the world and by how blasé they are about their privacy.

My biggest issue with Facebook is all the apps and games and their not-so-subtle attempts to worm their way into my life.

No, I don’t want to play Farmville or Mafia Wars and no, I certainly don’t want to give some third-party bit of  software access to my Facebook login.

The Guardian has a piece on how to deactivate your Facebook account but if, like me, you want to continue to use Facebook without compromising your privacy, just make sure you keep on top of those pesky privacy settings.

And speaking of keeping yourself safe, watch out for all the scam emails floating around at the moment.

This  morning alone I’ve had messages claiming to be from Trade Me, ASB, Kiwibank and eBay. They all want me to update my login information and, given half a chance, they would all steal my accounts, my money and possibly even the cat.

Be careful out there.

(This is the Online column, written for The Southland Times)

 

Apple guru and single-handed supporter of the black turtleneck jersey industry Steve Jobs has announced the latest iDevelopment and it’s got the geek world abuzz.

It’s that mid-winter “feels like geek Christmas” time of the year again when Apple holds court at its Apple Worldwide Developers’ Conference and everyone else trundles out their latest goodies at the Electronic Entertainment Expo (or E3, to us cool kids) and those of us who dream of owning all manner of wondrous gadgetry and taking over the world “ooh and aah” over their offerings.

This time around, Apple’s new iThemed announcement centres on the iCloud, which will let users store music, calendar entries and other files on Apple’s servers and have this content accessible over the air on any Apple devices they might be lucky enough to own, including the iPhone and iPad.

Mr Jobs (or should that be iSteve?) was quite excited about the service but not everyone is feeling quite so iNpsired by the system.

Some music industry types reckon it might even encourage music piracy.

Alongside the iCloud service is a new tool with the catchy name of iTunes Match, and this is where the murkiness begins. For US$24.95 (NZ$31) a year, the service will scan your hard drive for music (including files you might not have obtained in an entirely legal manner) and will match them with the authorised tracks in Apple’s iTunes library, making a “quality iTunes version of the tracks automatically accessible in the iCloud”. And that, the experts say, is allowing pirated music collections to be legitimised.

I think I’m starting to suffer from iStyle overload with iThis and iThat bombarding us.

It used to be that Microsoft had pretty much sole charge of the “we’ll try to take over your life with our software” crown but these days I find Apple is every bit as sneaky and whiny as Microsoft when it comes to trying to convince me to download the stuff they think I should have (no Apple, I DO NOT want Safari sneaking in with the latest update of iTunes, which, by the way, seems to be updated every other week).

However, it’s worth noting that there are alternatives if you want to own an iPod but not be iNfected with iTunes.

While iSteve was giving his iPresentation in San Francisco, everyone else with a cool game, gadget or bit of kit (but not black turtleneck) was in Los Angeles.

E3 had many exciting gadgets, but the one that got my attention is the new Nintendo Wii U, a high-definition version of the Wii, with a touchscreen controller that has video-call capability.

(This is the Online column, written for The Southland Times)

I know the disgruntled gloom merchants out there reckon we’re all packed into a handbasket and heading for that rather warm place where the maitre d’ has horns and a pitchfork, but until recently I’ve thought their predictions were a tad negative.

However, lately I’ve noticed a level of bad temper and equally bad manners among the wannabe scammers out there that is beginning to convince me they may well be right about our possible destination.

I mean, really, is it too much to ask that those who are trying to get their paws on our money make the effort to exchange pleasantries and at least pretend to care?

But no, the latest round of phonecalls from the “we’re calling from Microsoft and need you to give us remote access to your computer” crew has included not one please or thank you or even a “how are you today” inquiry. No, all they want is access to my computer and my credit card number.

Although, I told the fake Microsoft dude who phoned last week that I didn’t actually have a computer but could buy one if he gave me HIS credit card number. He hung up.

And the email scams aren’t any better: they don’t even bother with a salutation at the beginning of the particular line of bull they are chucking at my inbox, instead just getting straight into the “click here” because your bank account/Trade Me account/email account has been compromised and we need your username and password.

Come on scammers, make a little more effort or I’ll start to think you’ve lost interest.

I would never have made a career as a scammer because I’d be far too easily sidetracked and would be peppering my scam emails with  greetings and sprinkling please and thank you through phone conversations like fairy dust.

Or like carrot sticks in a prison, if you prefer.

It’s probably a good thing I didn’t embark on a life of crime (cyber or otherwise) because I’ve already given up smoking but I reckon I’d probably need some counselling and a government grant to deal with the carrot addiction.

Besides, how hard would it be to light a carrot?

(This is the Online column, written for The Southland Times)

Well, I suppose it was a good thing that old preacher dude got his dates mixed up about the whole end of the world thing but now that we’re going to be around a bit longer I suppose I’ll have to pay that pesky power bill.

Then again, maybe it really did happen: they (the well-balanced folk spending their life savings to tell us sinners it’s all over) reckon the rapture will result in 200 million true believers being called to heaven while everyone else gets to hang out down here until the hellfire and brimstone arrives. Perhaps the 200 million have already gone and we just didn’t notice.

Perhaps I don’t actually know anyone deemed enough of a true believer to get the big invite.

And it was quite a warm day on Monday, so perhaps that was the hellfire we were promised. Because as we all know, the reality never really lives up to the hype of the advertising.

The internet is, naturally, full of borax-poking examples of rapture predictions and predicaments and now the bloke who gave us the ETA of May 21 has taken another look at his calendar and confessed to a minor miscalculation. It seems we’re looking at October 21 now, so make sure you’ve packed you fireproof undies and SPF2000 sunblock and brace yourselves for the trip of a lifetime.

Symantec is also offering a warning of biblical proportions, particularly for users of mobile phones and devices. Android.Smspacem is a “Trojanised” malware version of the legitimate Holy F**king Bible app that ties in with the May 21 end-of-times drama by automatically replying to text messages sent to infected devices with “Cannot talk right now, the world is about to end” before randomly selecting one of several other similar predefined messages and sending those to users’ entire contact lists, trying to contact a host service and changing the wallpaper display on the infected device.

The mobile nasty is spreading via unregulated Android marketplaces so Symantec recommends configuring devices to stop the download of apps from anywhere but the official Android Market, which is configuration is the default on most devices.

This week’s video shows how the news might look on October 21:

(This is the Online column, written for The Southland Times)

As the internet grows, it is becoming close to impossible to control, making for some interesting dramas.

Here in New Zealand, our most high-profile case has probably been the the court name suppression breaches that got the legal fraternity’s knickers in something of a knot via Cameron Slater’s Whale Oil blog.

On the other side of the world at the moment, there’s big debate going on over Twitter and the outing of naughty celebrities who had what are being called super-injunctions, stopping the media from publishing details of their sordid sex romps (is there any other kind of sex romp?), lies, cheating and dirty dealings. In fact, the media hasn’t even been allowed to name the celebrities who have won these “super-injunctions”.

Then along came Twitter. The internet, and in particular social networking, has become the go-to place to get all the dirt. Want to know which celebrity was paying hookers or in court? You’ll find it online.

Slater is not a fan of New Zealand’s name suppression laws and now has the claim to fame of being the first Kiwi blogger to be charged with breaching a name suppression order after he revealed the identity of an entertainer and an Olympian who were both facing sexual offence charges.

Sure, he was fined and the average Joe Bloggs might think twice about breaching one of these court-imposed orders as openly as Slater did, but that doesn’t mean the information isn’t being shared via emails and on message boards, Twitter and Facebook.

On Twitter, the names of the British celebrities and their super-injunctions are out there and while I’m not going to name any of them here who haven’t commented on the situation themselves, I don’t really care much about who or what they are doing anyway. Except for poor old Jemima Khan, who is denying the rumours that she is one of the celebs to have a super injunction, in her case to stop publication of “intimate” photos of her with Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson.

She’s denying the photos and relationship even exist and says it’s been like waking up to a nightmare.

Poor girl. If they’re going to start rumours about her getting up close and personal with some dude, surely they could have made it someone like George Clooney.

(This is the Online column, written for The Southland Times)

It’s been a busy old week or two on the interwebs, with the royal wedding popping up at every turn to fill in the gaps between the fake “Osama’s dead” and fake “renew your bank password” emails.

And there I was, naively expecting things to get back to normal now that the wedding has been and gone when all of a sudden a bunch of seals gatecrashed a party and the “Osama’s dead” hoax email is no longer a hoax. Oh, and that’s United States Navy Seals of the heroic manly variety, not the cute wee fish-loving beasties with flippers.

Not that I’m not saying US Navy Seals aren’t cute, and I’m sure some of them may well be fond of fish. But I digress.

Of course, the news has been like an early Christmas present for all the conspiracy theorists, and they’ve all dusted off their tin-foil hats and taken up residence on various message boards online. Because of course Osama bin Laden actually died five years ago, the US Government ordered the destruction of the twin towers, man never walked on the moon and Elvis is working as a meter maid in Gore.

The biggest problem with all the cyberjunk being put out there by the hoaxers (from the conspiracy theorists to the idiots showing of their terrible Photoshop skills with obviously faked photos of a supposedly dead bin Laden) is that it’s picked up by the gullible and so begins the journey of the urban myths that sites like Break the Chain and Snopes work so hard to stop.

They pick up these fake bits of misinformation and pass them on to their equally gullible friends, who believe it all over again and carry on passing off this incorrect information as being genuine.

We’ve already seen this with the 9/11 attacks, the Indian Ocean tsunami, and more recently the Japanese tsunami. There are hoaxes hitting inboxes about smaller scale dramas, too, such as the one I’ve been sent several times lately featuring photos of a lavish mansion that supposedly belongs to Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe and tut-tuttingly reminds us of the abject poverty in that country.

Sure, the bloke isn’t one of the nicest people in the world and he’s certainly not on my Christmas card list but every time I get this email from someone who has simply forwarded it without looking for any proof that the information is correct (here’s a hint, use Snopes), I can’t help but drop them a little further down the list of “reasonably intelligent people I know”.

Although, I suppose that’s not quite as much of an oops as the BBC and several of the US television networks having trouble separating their Obamas and Osamas and proclaiming the president dead instead of the hairy terrorist.

(This is the Online column, written for The Southland Times)

 

Shopping for techno-goodies is always a fun pastime (nearly as fun as shopping for handbags) but I’m still undecided on whether or not an iPad will join my family of gadgets.

There’s no denying the sleek little machines are sexy to the nth degree but I’m still disappointed by the lack of a micro USB port in the iPad 2 that came out last month.

The web was buzzing with rumours about all the new, whizzy features that might be coming with the iPad 2 (cameras, USB ports and more)  and it seems the built-in cameras found favour with the Apple gurus.

The new Acer Iconia tablet is looking like it could be a good option, with its built-just-for-tablets Android Honeycomb operating system, front and rear-facing cameras and (drum roll please) USB port and micro SD card slot.

It’s all just a bit too hard to decide so I’ve put the tablet computer option on the backburner for now and instead went shopping for a new washing machine.

OK, so most of you might not think a washing machine is as exciting as buying a tablet computer but … well, you’d be right.

However, it is still a necessity and has caused some minor dramas in our household with Norman the Newbie Cat singularly unimpressed by the change from a front loader to a top loader: no longer can she sit in front of the washing machine,  enjoying the enthralling entertainment of watching the washing going around and around.

The trip to the washing machine shop did bring about one slightly more exciting purchase: a super-duper, noisy, beeping, coffee-making magic machine. It might not be an iPad but it is pretty sexy.