Online column

(This is the Online column, written for The Southland Times)

Maybe I’m turning into a grumpy old woman, but I just can’t get excited about all the latest announcements and unveilings at E3.

Sure, the various flavours of gamers are all a-flutter about PlayStation 4 and Xbox One, but these days you’re more likely to find me doing gentle battle with Mah Jong on my iPad that mowing down nasties in a first-person shooter. Although, it is worth noting that the new PlayStation should be a tad cheaper than the Xbox.

Just in case you don’t know, E3 (full title the Electronic Entertainment Expo) is an annual trade fair for the computer and video game industry. It used to be for all things related to electronic entertainment but now seems to focus on the gaming, a hugely popular part of the electronic entertainment market.

Apple, meanwhile, continues to do its own thing, holding its own conference at the same time. We don’t want to go sullying our pretty Apple products with all those common as muck other products now, do we?

Anyway, it seems the software behind everyone’s favourite phone is in for a wee facelift, with the most “revolutionary re-design of its operating system since the iPhone was introduced in 2007″.

It’s a brave move but Apple is known for its brave moves and its unwillingness to follow trends so let’s hope it pays off for the company.

Although, instead of a fancy-schmancy new look for the operating system, I reckon a social media idiot filter would be a good move. Facebook has its good points but there are some people out there who just don’t know how to behave on a public social network. During the past few weeks, I’ve seen several alleged adults have very public meltdowns, very public slanging matches with their own family members and very public meltdowns and equally public slanging matches with their own family members.

Then there are the young’uns proclaiming their undying love for someone they’ve never actually met in the flesh or telling all and sundry the gory details of their romance of the century.

And don’t get me started on the drama queens who update their status with comments about how ugly they are in the hopes of prompting a flurry of “oh no, you’re beautiful” comments from all their friends (a word I use loosely when it comes to Facebook).

For those who are adults and still getting up to these antics: get a grip, you should know better by now. And for those of a younger persuasion: trust me, if you do ever actually grow up, one day you will be embarrassed by your online antics.

I’m not saying I didn’t do stupid things when I was a teenager, that’s what teenagers are meant to do. However, I embarrassed myself in front of (real) friends and family only. For the teenagers of today, living their lives so openly online, those adolescent acts of stupidity might come back to haunt them over and over again for years to come.

(This is the Online column, written for The Southland Times)

I’ve had the attention span of a gnat lately and the internet is the perfect accessory for the concentration-challenged.

I’m blaming my shortcomings on my recent surgery: I couldn’t stay awake for the first day after the anaesthetic and during the following two weeks I went from someone who would easily read two or three books a week to someone who struggled to focus on more than a couple of pages at a time.

I had my iPad with me at the hospital so between checking my emails, updating Facebook and watching animal videos on YouTube, I managed to keep myself fairly well occupied.

So, just in case there’s someone else out there struggling to do anything that involves mental focus, here are some weberiffic time-wasters.

Have you ever thought about mapping Bob Dylan? I suppose it would take a reasonably high level of concentration to go through all of the great man’s songs and put a pin in a world map for every street, town or city to feature mentioned in a Dylan song, but it has been done.

If that’s a little too challenging for a tired brain, then maybe a game is more your speed. The simple but addictive “Spot the Difference” game will keep you occupied for hours. As you solve each level, new and more complex levels become available but be warned: you may end up cross-eyed and frustrated.

If you’re looking for a slightly less stressful game, Guess the Celebrity Moustache could be what you are looking for. If you fancy yourself as a connoisseur of facial fuzz, give it a bash.

And if all three of those sites are still too much for you, then perhaps the American Cleaning Institute’s “do I need to wash this” page is more your style. Yes, apparently we do need a list detailing how often we should wash everything from our undies to our sheets.

(This is the Online column, written for The Southland Times)

I know the Rugby World Cup is just around the corner but for some reason I cannot get excited about the whole thing.

The hugely discounted HP Touchpads that went up for grabs on Tuesday were much more exciting, even though I didn’t buy one.

When it comes to our national sport, for me, the Ranfurly Shield and Bledisloe Cup are what it’s all about, and right now I’m happy that the Bledisloe Cup is held by its rightful owner. Go the All Blacks.

But I digress. Maybe I was scarred for life after the 2003 RWC semifinal and that is why I can’t bring myself to feel excited about the impending tournament although many of the other rugby fans I work with/drink with are starting to buzz about the big event, counting down the days (14 sleeps to go) and there is a lot of chatter online about it.

However, there’s not as much buzz about the coming general election (92 sleeps to go), so maybe we need to rethink how we run the thing.

Instead of all those political types flitting around the countryside and blathering on about all the good stuff they will promise us, perhaps we should run the election a bit like a rugby tournament. We could have Paul Henry doing the commentary and the panel from 7 Days could provide the coaching expertise. We wouldn’t have enough teams to do the whole pool thing but a round-robin tournament would sort things out nicely.

Failing that, we could run the election like a professional wrestling match. All our politicians (and wannabe politicians) would have their signature moves. I can already picture Winston Peters strutting his stuff, resplendent in Lycra tights and waving a giant hand, just like Hulk Hogan used to. Or maybe he’d opt for a length of timber in the style of Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

Am I showing my age here?

And let’s face it, after listening to some of the bull … um, debating that goes on in Parliament, I’m sure they’d all easily cope with the acting required.

Oh, and speaking of how close things are: 121 sleeps until Santa comes. And I bet there’s someone out there who has already completed their Christmas shopping.

(This is the Online column, written for The Southland Times)

I’m a proud born-and-bred Southlander but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel the pain of my northern countrymen and women.

This latest patch of decidedly non-tropical weather engulfed the entire country and divided it at the same time.

You see, apparently Aucklanders aren’t allowed to complain about the cold weather. Permission to have a wee moan about freezing your bits off is reserved for those of us living in the South Island.

Well, that’s the rule according to many of the Trade Me message-board users who have jumped on and belittled everyone north of the Bombays who has dared to mention they are feeling the cold.

That same attitude has popped up elsewhere online too. Even Wellingtonians have been copping flak for daring to mention the snow (pictured above in a photo taken in Willis St, Wellington by Dominion Post photographer John Nicholson).

Come on, people, of course the poor buggers in Auckland are struggling with temperatures that we probably think are pretty decent numbers for winter readings: that’s because their city is generally a few degrees warmer than here.

Get over it.

And yes, residents of our nation’s capital were buzzing about the white stuff falling because it was such a huge novelty. Again, get over it.

There were a few Cantabrians who certainly didn’t do their province proud when they got stuck in to some of our more northern Kiwis for complaining about being cold, one, in particular, trundling out the old “typical bloody Jafa” line, before comparing the February earthquake and the snowfall and suggesting they harden up (but with a few extra, not-suitable-for-a-family-newspaper words thrown in).

I never realised it was a competition to see who could have the biggest disaster.

It’s nice to see Aucklanders have a sense of humour about it all, with supportive Facebook groups popping up (I hit the “like” button for the “I survived Auckland’s snowfall 15/8/2011” page as a sign of my support).

So listen up my wee Jafa friends (and I use the term Jafa in a friendly, affectionate manner): I hope you all manage to stay warm and toasty during this chilly time. May your lattes be fluffy and your skies blue.

I also Facebook liked “Wearing shorts in Invercargill, because this place is f…ing tropical” because it made me think of my dad, who died 11 years ago.

Like many Southland blokes of a certain age, he wore the year-round uniform of T-shirt, shorts and Jandals, adding a Swanndri on top during the coldest part of winter.

The other Facebook page I hit like for this week had nothing at all to do with the weather: “Gluing coconuts to your dog’s feet so neighbours think you have a horse” has all-season appeal  although I don’t own a dog.

I wonder if it would still work with a cat? Perhaps the neighbours will think I have a Shetland pony.

(This is the Online column, written for The Southland Times)

The wee meltdown that meant our lovely newspaper wasn’t published on Tuesday shows how damaging technology can be when it decides to have a bad day.

The whole frustrating situation showed both sides of technology: the agonising epic failure of no printed newspaper on one side of the coin with the ability to get the message out there via our website to let readers know what was happening.

Things go wrong and, while people with a whole lot more technical ability than me are trying to work out what it was that went wrong to prevent it from happening again, I’m pleased to say we probably handled the whole owning-up-to-a-techno-drama situation much better than Telecom did when its Yahoo!Xtra online mail system had a few issues on Monday.

I was at home bonding with Norman the newbie cat, who was sleeping soundly on my shoulder. Instead of waking her to go upstairs to my home office, I decided to use my laptop to check my email.

This was late morning, and I got an error message.

A check on Telecom’s “service status and alerts” page showed there were no issues, but when I went back to check my email again, the same error-code-15 taunted me.

My next move was to see what was happening on the Trade Me message board, because if it is not being talked about there, it’s probably not worth knowing.

And yes, there they were: disgruntled Yahoo!Xtra online mail users bemoaning the fact that they couldn’t access their messages.

I went back to the mail again and clicked on the link to report the error, but simply got a message saying Telecom knew about it and it should be sorted in a couple of hours.

It wasn’t.

In fact, like a lot of those disgruntled people on Trade Me, I wasn’t able to access my email until after 6pm.

In all that time, there still wasn’t any indication of a problem on the Telecom service status and alerts page. This point was made by several stranded mail users who were starting to think there was a problem with their computer or that they had somehow screwed up their mail settings. So, come on, Telecom: when there’s an issue you know about, at least note it on your alerts page.

You might save some of your customers a whole lot of stress and frustration.

I understand that things go wrong and so do most users, but there’s no excuse for not owning up to the problem.

(This is the Online column, written for The Southland Times)

That lovely wee polar blast that blew through town early this week was certainly a shock to the system.

No matter what it’s doing, we all like to talk about the weather: it’s too hot (yes, it does happen), it’s too cold, too windy, too whatever.

I know there are people out there who think snow is wonderful stuff but I’m not one of them. Although, at least this time it happened in winter, when cold things are meant to invade our city (unlike last year’s spring surprise).

And for any non-Southlander reading this, please note: it rarely snows in Invercargill, we don’t have polar bears skating down the main street and not once in my 40-something years have I encountered a penguin in the wilds of downtown Invercargill.

Anyway, Monday was just too cold, slippery and dismal to warrant leaving the house so – embracing the wonders of modern technology – I opted to work from home. That’s one of the benefits of working online I guess. Besides, I’m sure my workmates were quite happy to be rid of my coughing and spluttering for a day.

Once again, the internet proved its worth, with many of us turning to the web for up-to-date information on the snowstorm.

The MetService was the first stop for the latest weather forecasts but the NZ Transport Agency and the AA’s Roadwatch site had all the latest on what roads were open and which were skating rinks.

Of course, I’m sure all of you out there who were after the latest news about the weather, the roads and anything else of interest (was there anything else of interest on Monday?) were checking in on our website at regular intervals.

Unless you were too busy making snowmen, naturally. In which case, I’m sure you were posting photos of your icy sculptures on our Facebook page.

This week’s video is Simon’s Cat in Snow Business. And if you haven’t heard of Simon’s Cat, make sure you check out all the videos in the series. They are hilarious in ways only a cat-owner can fully understand. Hang on, cats don’t have owners, do they? They have staff.

(This is the Online column, written for The Southland Times)

I suppose I should get the obvious conversation-starter out of the way now by saying ‘how about this interesting wee spell of weather we’re having at the moment”.

I was talking to someone earlier this week who lives in Singapore but had just arrived in Sydney and he was telling me how chilly it was at 16 degrees Celsius. There was a stunned silence on the other end of the phone when I mentioned it was just 3degC here in Invercargill with a “feels like” of -2C, according to the MetService website. He said he just couldn’t understand temperatures like that.

I guess it just goes to show that one person’s “chilly” is another’s “freezing your bits off”.

If you haven’t had a look at the MetService website lately, it’s worth a visit. You’ll find regularly updated forecasts, current temperatures, a “feels like” reading that takes into account the winds coming off the icebergs and a recommendation of just how many layers of clothes you might need  (four, apparently, plus one wind-proof layer, on the chilly day in question).

But enough about the weather.

While everyone’s awaiting the return of invites for the new Google+ social networking system, there are new rumours doing the rounds that Facebook is planning to launch a music service called Vibe.

A geeky-genius software developer stumbled across some references tucked away in the code Facebook’s new video chat setup when he downloaded it. Because I’m sure that we all tear apart the background code of any piece of software we use to see what makes it tick.

Let’s be honest, I’m not particularly inquisitive about the inner-workings of things, and am happy to live without the knowledge of how they work, but I have to take my hat off (and believe me, I am actually wearing a hat as I type this, because I’ve just been outside and I think my ears may have turned blue) to anyone with the brainpower to work it out.

I’m non-techy enough that I’m still impressed by my blender’s ability to turn out perfectly smooth vodka slushies time and time again.

(This is the Online column, written for The Southland Times)

 

A few years ago, the internet was all about email, chatrooms and pornography sites, but as the younger generation infiltrates the web, that focus has moved to social networking.

 The question has to be asked: does this mean being on Facebook is the technological equivalent of getting a dose of the pox? What with all the friending, unfriending and poking going on, it’s a wonder we aren’t all in need of a course of antibiotics.

But I digress, this isn’t going to be a personal health and hygiene lesson. This is about how to spread it around even more.

I gave in to temptation a while back and joined Twitter, but I still find it a tad disjointed and unsatisfying with its “wham, bam, thank you ma’am” attitude, so I’m still more inclined to use Facebook as my main form of online social mingling.

Google is dipping its digital toe in the cesspit of social networking with Google+, a service it reckons will tie together all its online properties, “laying the foundation for a fully fledged social network”.

Google+ works in a similar way to Facebook, using newsfeeds and profile images as the central content, but friends and contacts are grouped in circles that can interconnect.

I’m guessing Google+ will have a bit of a battle on its hands to try to get numbers that will stack up against Facebook, but there might just be enough  Facebook users feeling disgruntled over the constant battle to protect their privacy for Google+ to get a foothold.

A limited rollout of the service was launched using the same invitation-only method of joining  as when gmail was launched, but huge demand for those invitations meant Google had to pull the pin on accepting new users after less than 48 hours.

And, of course, the spammers are already sliming their way into the system by sending emails with fake invitations that send punters to sites selling assorted drugs that promise to perk up unperky peckers.

That’s the other thing the internet is about that I forgot to mention in  my first paragraph: penis pills.