Festive consideration

(This is the Online column, written for The Southland Times)

Is everyone feeling all festive and tinsel-riffic yet?

It’s getting dangerously close to the big day and with all the shopping chaos and weirdly muggy weather it wouldn’t be any great surprise to find everyone in a bad mood but to be honest, I’m finding things are the exact opposite: everyone’s very chirpy and, even better, considerate.

I went out for lunch the other day with a friend and we were both impressed by the nice manners of several drivers who stopped and waved pedestrians across a very busy Esk St and a nice bloke at the Kiln who held the door for us. Well done to you all, I’m sure your mums would be proud and that Santa will be impressed.

Yes, I know Christmas is about more than just the gifts (there’s the opportunity to have a festive Drambuie with the extended family, too). I know it’s the big guy’s birthday but I’m not particularly religious.

Note to all those about to flame me with comments and emails about how my soul is now destined to spend an eternity getting crispy and Lucifer’s BBQ and Grill Shack: I didn’t say I’m a heathen, I didn’t say I believe we’re all going to be picked up by a big spaceship, I didn’t say I had a pet sacrificial goat, I simply said I wasn’t particularly religious. I can appreciate the “reason for the season” but I’m not going to head off to church to sing about it.

Anyway, according to a story on the Mail Online website, Christ is being ”airbrushed out of Christmas” by retailers, so I guess I’m not alone.

The paper checked out Christmas cards on offer at major supermarkets and found that less than 1 per cent stocked cards with religious themes.

If you’re looking for something special for that hard-to-buy-for person in your life, I have a few wee suggestions that might do the trick:

• No 1 on my list is to aid with, well, number ones. Ladies, have you ever wanted to have that very bloke-ish ability to pee standing up? Well now you can with the Shewee, the ”portable urination device for women”.
• If that ”wee” idea doesn’t float your boat, how about the Emergency Yodel Button? Because isn’t that something we’d all love to find under the tree?
• OK, maybe not.  My final gift suggestion is perfect for the gluten-intolerant out there: an inflatable fruitcake.  What more could you want?