This is the Online column, written for The Southland Times)
Dear Santa,
Well, it’s nearly time for your yearly visit and normally I’d be offering my wish list for your consideration. However, I’m pretty happy with life right now and there’s not a lot that I want.
On the other hand, there are a few requests I’d like to make on behalf of others.
First on my list, I’d like a six-pack of undies for the recently single Britney Spears. The poor girl seems to have kicked out her good judgment and underwear along with her no-hoper ex, so if you could add a few etiquette lessons to her stocking, I’m sure she’d appreciate it.
For Angelina Jolie, how about a bad-hair day? No one can be that perfect all the time, so I’m sure it would be a character-building experience for her.
Katie Holmes-Cruise would welcome a copy of the Do-It-Yourself Guide to Escaping a Cult. She might also need a new couch, if her hubby’s still in the habit of jumping around on the furniture like he did on Oprah.
If you could put together a care package for Victoria Beckham, I’m sure she’d appreciate a dozen Big Macs and a life-size chocolate Santa. As for her hubby, perhaps you could send him a voice coach to help him get rid of his weird, girly voice.
Since Georgina Beyer seems to be one of the very few women in New Zealand politics who can dress well, can we get the lovely ladies from Go Fug Yourself to give our women of parliament a few style tips.
That about rounds out my wish list. Take care, Santa, and I’ll see you next year.
PS: If you want to see what the bloke in red is up to, check out his online home.