A night at the theatre, with chunks

May 19, 2014
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Oh Jasmine, we’ve never officially met but I just wanted to say that I am glad we had the good sense to put some distance between you and us on Friday night. And I can’t help but wonder just how you are feeling today.

Who is Jasmine, you may ask? And indeed, that is a good question.

booze-warningWe went along to the 2 Degrees Comedy Convoy show (part of the NZ International Comedy Festival) on Friday night and after finding our way to our seats, we settled in for what we hoped would be a bit of a giggle. And then they arrived: a gaggle of already drunk, raucous, cackling, swearing young women who lined up in the five or six seats in the row behind us and proceeded spend the first half of the show kicking the backs of our seats and knocking over the booze they had apparently smuggled in (full sized bottles of wine). There was a river of cheap wine and beer trickling under our seats but the little coven behind us still somehow managed to get more drunk even though they were sharing so much of their booze with the floor.

But the show was good and the laughs were coming thick and fast. Unfortunately for us, Jasmine had the loudest, most obnoxious laugh ever heard. It didn’t really sound like a laugh … it was more of a Yeti mating call.

And that noise emanating from our dear Jasmine was so loud and invasive, it attracted the attention of Paul Ego, the poor bugger trying to perform on stage. To be fair, he took the piss out of her while managing to extract some information out of the gentle wee soul, which is how we all came to know that the woman behind the headache-inducing noise was a teacher named Jasmine, with a surname that sounded surprisingly like Hairy Target (something that gave Ego a tangent to explore … ).

Half-time arrived and I was wondering if I could handle another hour or so of Jasmine screeching in my ear. While I was pondering this, the girls all decided to pop out during the intermission. As they all left their seats and managed to hit every poor bugger in the row in front of them in the head with their arses and I’m pretty sure one of them farted on the way past. Do these people not know that leaving your seat isn’t a contact sport?

Anyhoo, I suspect a trip to the bar was the initial plan. However, by the time they returned I’m not sure if they made it that far.

Jasmine needed a bit of help to get back to her seat and looked a tad ill. I suspect she may have spent the intermission having a bit of a chuck.

Hubby and I both had the same idea: do we really want to sit here? This girl looks like she’s gonna blow (chunks) and we don’t want to be in the firing line. There were some empty seats a row in front of us and we thought about moving there but instead headed for the rows at the back of the theatre.

Ahhhh, the second half of the show kicked off and we were able to sit back and relax, and enjoy the comedy without the risk of bleeding eardrums from shrieky Jasmine.

The nice usher lady was sitting behind us, giggling away at the comedy offerings and enjoying herself.

Then I heard a noise. Ooh, I thought, that sounded a little like someone throwing up. Half a dozen rows in front of us, Jasmine and her friends up and left. In a hurry.

About a minute passed, and all of a sudden at least three rows of people stood up and did a runner. Yes indeedy, Jasmine has tossed her cookies.

Some of those people left the show completely, some noticed the other empty seats at the back of the theatre and sat there. The nice usher lady and the bloke who was on the door when we arrived then had to clean up the mess as the show went on.

It stunk, both literally and figuratively. Although, they managed to deal with the literal stink with a can of air freshener.

While Jasmine was a bit of a numpty for getting trollied and chucking up in a crowded theatre, her friends were worse: not one of them was a drunk as her, in fact one of them appeared quite sober, but instead of getting her out of there when it was obvious she was so green ’round the gills, they took her back to her seat and just tried to get her to drink some water.

Clever.

Anyway, if you know Jasmine the teacher with a surname that sounds like Hairy Target, pass on my good wishes and gratitude that she waited to do her technicolor yawn until after we’d changed seats.

PS: The show was awesome! The acts were Paul Ego, Justine Smith, Markus Birdman, Carl Donnelly and Jarred Fell … all of whom were very, very funny. And not vomit-inducing at all.

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