I live in the deep south of New Zealand, where smelly dairy cows are taking over from sheep in the livestock stakes. My hometown is the small but perfectly formed city of Invercargill, which is also the hometown of the original boy racer, Burt Munro. Find out more about me here.
From September 9 until October 23 you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.
During the World Cup, the television is mine, the VCR, DVD and Sky decoder are all mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).
If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don’t mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me.
During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor…it won’t happen.
It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12pm and 3pm, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.
Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say “get over it, it’s only a game”, or “don’t worry, they’ll win next time”. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about rugby than me and your so called “words of encouragement” will only lead to a break up or divorce.
You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the half time score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying “one” game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to “spend time together”.
The replays of the tries are very important. I don’t care if I have seen them or I haven’t seen them, I want to see them again. Many times, and record them.
Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.
But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.
The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying “but you have already seen this…why don’t you change the channel to something we can all watch??”, the reply will be: “Refer to Rule #2 of this list”.
And finally, please save your expressions such as “Thank goodness the World Cup is only every 4 years”. I am immune to these words, because after this …. comes the 20 Twenty Cricket World Cup!