My latest rant

(This is the Online column, written for The Southland Times)

I know I’m not the most politically correct person you’re ever likely to meet.

However, the intolerance of others makes me … er … intolerant.

For some reason, I’ve had three people forward me an e-mail newsletter for what is, it claims, some kind of Christian prayer group.

Sounds pretty inoffensive so far, right? You’d be wrong. It kicks off with a question: “Is Islam in NZ a cause for concern or a God-given opportunity?”

From there, it requests that you not share the newsletter with any of your Muslim friends then goes on to offer details on the number of Muslims in New Zealand, their ethnic origins, where the mosques are and throws in a few quite inflammatory quotes and statements, just for good measure, such as this bold little statement: “Some say there is a terrorist cell attached to every mosque. What is happening in NZ mosques?”

Nice.

The crux of the whole thing seems to be a call to Christians to “befriend Muslims and lead them to Christ”.

It talks about the “Islamic Terrorist 7-Phase Plan” and also how it is important that members of the prayer group must “love Muslims sincerely, show kindness and respect …”

Surely showing respect would involve accepting the religious beliefs of others?

It also says some of their “braver” followers have been going into the mosque on open days and chatting.

Braver? I certainly hope that comment was simply a case of poor writing skills rather than a belief that all Muslims are to be feared.

This is the Online column, written for The Southland Times)

What’s in a name? More than you’d imagine, if online message boards are anything to go by.

Reading posts on what are effectively the online versions of the office water cooler (a place to catch up with the goss) is both entertaining and educational.

Now, don’t get me wrong – I’m not dissing message boards, it’s just that it seems a couple of the message boards I visit regularly have been taken over by a particularly self-righteous bunch of mothers who extol the virtues of raising your children using their blueprint (because, of course, their children are perfect specimens who were walking at 3 months old and potty trained at birth), they put down anyone who has any type of hospital birth (here … bite down on this piece of leather and push, you can finish cooking dinner when you’re done), they look down their collective noses at mothers who work, saying their career is being a fulltime mother (so what, I’ve been a fulltime mother for the past 18 years as well as being a fulltime journalist but I don’t want a medal) and they seem to start thread after thread on what to name their precious offspring.

It’s those threads that leave me feeling amused but just a little bit guilty at taking pleasure in someone else’s misfortune.

Oh, those poor, innocent little babies … Blayde, Dasharna, Krisstehl, Providence and all the others.

My name isn’t particularly unusual but it can be spelled a couple of ways, which means I’m constantly having to tell people the correct spelling. Can you imagine what those poor little buggers are going to have to contend with?

It’s even more worrying when the parents start debating the best spelling of a name, looking for the most unusual spelling to be that little bit trendier then the other Blaydes, Dasharnas, Krisstehls and Providences. Just what they need.

I think the best one I’ve seen was the mum who was planning on calling her daughter Haeleee (yes, that’s 3 Es at the end) because she thought it looked “cool”.

I’m not sure which is worse, the unusual names or the common names with the creative spellings.
If you’re going to lumber your kid with a name they’ll probably want to change by deed poll as soon as they’ve saved enough money from the tooth fairy to pay for it, why not try something really different?

The Jedi religion has taken off, according to the last Census, so why not a Jedi name? The Jedi name generator will put you on the right track.

If that doesn’t suit your Mini-You, there’s also the Goddamn Rock Solid Ghetto Shiznit name generator (yo dude, my name’s Fallopian Teapot) and the  Hobbit name generator.

If you’re looking for a name that might point to their future career, check out the gangsta name generator, or perhaps you’re hoping you’ve bred an evangelist, there’s a name generator for that, too (I scored the name Reverend T Arsen Parsley III. All I need now is a 0900 number and a late-night TV slot).

By the way, it’s nice to see PlayStation has cut the price of its PlayStation 3 console in the United States by $NZ129. It’s good but the console is still looking pretty pricey when compared to the competition.

This is the Online column, written for The Southland Times)

One of the best things about having access to the latest news online is not having to put up with the irritating assortment of newsreaders and reporters who seem to be taking over our TV news.

I’ve worked in the newspaper industry for a long time so, not surprisingly, I have a strong interest in the news. Every morning I kick off my day by reading the paper, then follow that up with a quick check on an assortment of websites to catch up with the latest overnight news. I always end up feeling better informed and not irritated.

However, my 6pm news fix isn’t always so successful. Television news seems to have become a haven for smug, smiling or simply irritating newsreaders. Paul Holmes was once the epitome of all that bugs me on the news presentation front but now that he’s no longer part of the TV1 news family TV3 appears to have the market cornered.

Before I move on, I see Holmes is currently boogying across our screens in the latest series of TV1′s Dancing With the Stars and can’t help wondering if here in good old New Zealand we have a slightly different definition of star or celebrity.

Rebecca Loos on Celebrity Treasure Island is another one who has me confuddled. Wasn’t her first and biggest claim to fame the alleged bonking of David Beckham?

Anyway, back to the news. What is it with these newsreaders who insist on reading each item like they’re trying out for the role of Captain Kirk, pausing between each word and emphasising them in the strangest of places: And. In. Breaking. News. Therewas. An. Hawww-riffic. Explosion …
Sadly, I heard one of TV3′s weekend dudes pronounce horrific exactly like that this week. I wanted to reach through the TV screen and bitch-slap him in an hawwww-riffic manner (can’t remember his name, he’s the one with the permanent slight smirk and synthetic-looking hair).

Then there’s the lovely wee chicky-babe on TV3 who always smiles, which is fine if it’s a story about kittens and puppies but not so fine if it’s a devastating earthquake.

TV3 is also home to little Jesse Peach, who would appear to be about 12 years old and wearing his dad’s suit. In the scheme of things he’s one of the better reporters because he doesn’t spend his time trying to appear stern and knowledgeable — like Dr Lillian Ing (emphasis on the Dr) — or friendly and bubbly like some of the other grinning microphone jockeys.

However, there’s no getting away from the fact that he does look like a young lad who was somehow left behind on Take Your Son To Work Day.

Here at the office some of us have decided his name sounds a little porn star-ish. Now, every time I hear him reporting on some newsy event I expect to hear ’70s guitar porn music in the background.

And let’s not forget he was Blake Crombie in Shortland Street.

As things online become increasingly interactive I’m beginning to get nervous. I like news websites for the same reason I like a real newspaper — I get the news without all the over-the-top bells and whistles.

Long may it last.

NEWS ONLINE

•  Stuff: The news portal of Fairfax NZ, parent company of The Southland Times
• NZ Herald: Named one of the top 12 online newspaper websites in the 11th Annual International Webby Awards
• Google News: Google’s selection
• BBC: The best of the Brits
• CNN: America’s favourite