It made me laugh

However you want to spell it (humor/humour), it’s the stuff that I find funny. That doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll agree with me but luckily it’s a free world.

My word!

dictionaryFor all you lexophiles (lovers of words)

1. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tyred.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

8. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

9. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

10. A calendar’s days are numbered.

11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

13. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

15. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

16. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

17. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she’d dye.

18. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

19. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

21. The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

23. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

26. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

31. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

32. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said ‘No change yet’

33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

34. Don’t join dangerous cults: practice safe sects.

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Mein Fuhrer, the musical …

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How-to guide: cleaning the loo

dog

Instructions for cleaning the toilet:

  1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.
  2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.
  3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.
  4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will generate plenty of foam.  Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying himself.
  5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the “Power-wash” pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.
  6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.
  7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly.  The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed at which he will be moving from the toilet to the front door.
  8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.

With best wishes,

The Dog

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RWC funnies (some old, some new)

thumbs_upJust a few of the Rugby World Cup images doing the rounds. Some of them relate to that dark time when NZ was in a state of Cuplessness.

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Was that the wrong answer?

Who’d have thunk it: when a husband asks what you’d like to do with his body, apparently “identify it” isn’t the correct answer.

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This will make your eyes water

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Following on from the previous post on boobage …

lady-lumps

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Rugby World Cup rules of engagement

  1. From September 9 until October 23 you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored.  DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.
  2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, the VCR, DVD and Sky decoder are all mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).
  3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don’t mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me.
  4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor…it won’t happen.
  5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as  well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12pm and 3pm, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.
  6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say  “get  over it, it’s only a game”, or “don’t worry, they’ll win next time”.  If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about rugby than me and your  so called “words of encouragement” will only lead to a break up or divorce.
  7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the half time score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying “one” game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to “spend time together”.
  8.  The replays of the tries are very important. I don’t care if I have seen them or I haven’t seen them, I want to see them again. Many times, and record them.
  9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
    a) I will not go,
    b) I will not go, and
    c) I will not go.
  10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.
  11.  The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying “but you have already seen this…why don’t you change the channel to something we can all watch??”, the  reply will be: “Refer to Rule #2 of this list”.
  12.  And finally, please save your expressions such as “Thank goodness the World Cup is only every 4 years”.  I am immune to these words, because after this …. comes the 20 Twenty  Cricket World Cup!
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Bloody Aussies

A Kiwi was living in Aussie but about to fly home to New Zealand to witness the mighty All Blacks win the Rugby World Cup. However, he wasn’t feeling very well do decided to have a checkup before his trip.

He went off to the doctor, telling him: “Hey doc, I’m feelin’ a bit crook, eh”.

The doctor gave our intrepid New Zealander a thorough examination and informed him he had advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

“No way doc … I’m getting a second opinion, eh”, he replied.

The second Aussie doctor gave him the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.

Not surprisingly, the treatment was once again refused.

By now, our rugby-loving Kiwi was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him: “Yer prostate’s rooted mate … we’re gonna have to cut off your balls”.

“Thank God for that,”  the Kiwi shouted, “those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!”

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Safety tips for dog-owners

crime3

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MEET YOUR BLOGGER

Jillian "George" Allison-Aitken

I live in the deep south of New Zealand, where smelly dairy cows are taking over from sheep in the livestock stakes. My hometown is the small but perfectly formed city of Invercargill, which is also the hometown of the original boy racer, Burt Munro. Find out more about me here.

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