I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
I looked around my house to see things I’d started and hadn’t finished, so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now.
Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u blody luvum!!!
(Disclaimer: No, not really … my cardiologist would have a fit!)
Who’d have thunk it: I know some clean jokes! OK, so they aren’t particularly funny but it’s a hard road finding the perfect joke.
Why is the ocean wet?
Because the sea weed.
Why did the fly fly?
Because the spider spied her.
What do you call a kungfu pig?
What do you call a blind deer?
What do you call a dead blind deer?
Still no idea.
How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler!
Why do elephants paint their toe nails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
Good disguise, eh?
What’s red and invisible?
Why did the koala bear fall out of the tree?
He had no arms.
Why did the second koala bear fall out of the tree?
He was holding onto the first koala.
Why did the third koala bear fall out of the tree?
He thought it was a game.
Why did the girl fall off her bike?
She got hit by a falling koala bear.
What’s yellow, weighs one ton and whistles?
Two half ton canaries.