Small victory for fat chicks

Radio presenter Rachel Smalley found herself in the poo after a not-so-timely comment or two this week but it was her attempt to weasel her way out of it that offended me.

Smalley thought her mic was turned off after a news story about the effectiveness of an emergency contraceptive pill for women weighing more than 70kg. Obviously gravely offended by the knowledge that the average New Zealand bloke-ess weighs in at  (gasp) 72kg, she was heard to comment that we Kiwi chicks are “heifers” and a “bunch of lardos”.

Outrage ensued both online and off, and Smalley did the cliched “apology” thing: I’m so sorry, please forgive me, yada, yada, yada …

But let’s be honest here: she was apologising because she was caught out, not because she felt bad about what she said. Because if that had been the case, she wouldn’t have said it in the first place.

As someone who falls into the slightly more generously proportioned category, I’m not particularly offended by her comments. I am, however, offended by yet another person in the public eye who has cocked up and expects us to believe that suddenly, they have seen the error of their ways and want us to forgive them.

On Facebook, several people commented that Paul Henry has said worse. And yes, he has. And I have no doubt he will continue to say things that offend the masses. However, at least he owns it. Love him or hate him, there’s no denying the man says what he thinks and would never consider offering a bullshit apology just to stay in the good books.

I’d have had more respect for Smalley if she’d just told all us heifers to fuck off and eat a pie.

ON THE WEB

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Aveda Hand Relief

aveda-hand-reliefThis was OK, but not earth-shatteringly good. It felt a little greasy when I first applied it but did eventually absorb quite well.

At first, the smell struck me as a bit medicinal but the more I’ve used it, the more the smell has grown on me.

More importantly, I like the way my hands have felt after using it: clean, smooth and soft.

And at first glance, $15 seems quite a reasonable price, but this is for quite a small tube. That said, it’s actually a convenient size to chuck in your bag.

AVEDA HAND RELIEF (RRP $15 for 40ml)

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Bet that was uncomfortable

news courtney

This is why it is important for headline writers to have dirty minds!

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Goodiebox, March unboxing

2014-03

The theme this month was “Blissful Indulgence”, which seems a bit fluffy given the contents of the box. Sure, there was little block of chocolate in there (and I was a good little diabetic and passed it on to my hubby), but the rest of it didn’t feel particularly indulgent.

Earlier this year the GoodieBox experience felt a little pedestrian but this one was a bit better than the previous month, which in turn was a lot better than January’s Goodiebox. However, they have yet to live up to the offerings from the latter half of last year.

Total value of the March Goodiebox: $87.87, plus whatever the Hershey’s chocolate was worth.

Here’s the rundown on my March goodies. Click on the links for full reviews of some products.

AVEDA HAND RELIEF (RRP $15 for 40ml. Full-sized product provided): A dinky week tube of hand cream with vitamin A and E. Not as perfumed as some hand creams. Not sure this fits the “blissful indulgence” criteria: it’s more functional than indulgent.

ANGEL HAIRCARE ORANGE FLOWER SHINING COLOUR SHAMPOO & COLOUR PROTECT HAIR MASK (RRP $39.50 each for 400ml shampoo/300ml hair mask. 8ml sachet of each provided so value approx $1.85): I don’t have coloured hair: who’d have thunk it? Anyone who knew me “back in the day” would probably have been shocked at the thought of me going “au naturale” with my noggin: no spikes, no streaks, no pink or purple, no nothing. Just boring ol’ me.  According to the Goodiebox info card, this stuff  can defy science and logic, and  magically “will strengthen hair from within”.  Bullshit.

ANGEL HAIRCARE HELICHRYSUM REVITALIZING SHAMPOO & CONDITIONER (RRP $39.50 each for 400ml. 8ml sachet of each provided so value approx $1.62): This is more my style: it’s for dry, dull and damaged hair. Let’s hope it lives up to the hype. Not such a fan of the stingy foil sachet samples but I guess there’s a pretty decent range of full-sized goodies to make up for it.

JEMMA KIDD TONE-ON-TONE DUO (RRP $48 for 3g. Full-sized product provided): A cream-to-powder from the range produced by supermodel Jemma Kidd. Says it’s non-creasing so it will be interesting to see how it goes, since cream eye shadows aren’t always great on older eyes.

MANHATTAN DOUBLE LOOP LIP LINER (RRP $18 for 6ml. Full-sized product provided): Another Manhattan product this month, this time a lip liner with a built-in lip gloss.

ROBERTO CAVALLI ACQUA (RRP $85 for 30ml. 1.2ml sample, so value approx $3.40): A Mediterranean holiday in a bottle, according to the GoodieBox info card. This was in a little glass tube with a squirter on top. Cute.

LIFESTYLE BOOSTER: Hershey’s Milk Chocolate (unsure of price): The bloke of the house appeared to enjoy this. I asked how it was but he just muttered something along the lines of “mmmmm” and carried on chewing. I think that was a positive response!

What is Goodiebox?

It’s a subscription service where you pay a monthly fee to receive a box of beauty products delivered to your door. The cost is around $30 a month (including delivery), and for that you will get a minimum of five “premium” beauty samples. These samples are generous sizes, and often there are a few full-sized products in your little box of goodies. Click here to join.

2014-03-goodiebox

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Manhattan Soft Mat Lip Cream

Manhattan Soft Mat Lipcream

All the way from Denmark, this product performs a little magic trick. It starts as a liquid but dries matte, so there’s no smudging. And interestingly, even though it dries to a matte finish, it doesn’t feel dry on the lips.

It also smells pretty amazing: none of that weird melted plastic pong you get with so many liquid lippies. Nosiree Bob, my one was reminiscent of a chocolate cake. Not overly strong, but there was a subtle hint of it.

I got a fairly innocuous shade that works well for my colouring without being too boring … sort of a coffee-ish colour.

I might even try this one out in one of the more in-your-face shades on offer.

MANHATTAN SOFT MAT LIP CREAM (RRP $15)

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Celebrity Slim milkshake

Celebrity SlimOne of those diet drink things, this one was in banana flavour, which put me off from the get-go. Bananas aren’t really my favourite fruit anyway, but fake banana flavours are just plain nasty.

A quick read through of the information and words like “green tea extract” and “soy protein” put me off even more: they both taste like arse and I’m sick to death of them being heralded as the be-all and end-all of good health. Especially soy: it makes me itchy and I actually know more people who have been found to have issues with soy than with the lactose in real milk from those things that go moo (although, I’m still wondering how humans first worked out that you could drink cow’s milk and what exactly the first person to make that discovery was actually doing to the cow when he had the moo breakthrough).

I passed this on to my well-insured husband, who said it was okay but a bit sickly and that he prefers the Eat Me Supplements Lean Shake mixes I’ve been buying of late. Besides, at $6 a sachet, these work out a lot more expensive and have a lot less protein: one serve of Celebrity Slim has just 18.7g of protein, one serve of Lean Shake (made with non-fat milk) has a whopping 40.9g. It also works out at just $1.96 a serve (plus the cost of milk) if you buy the 1kg bag.

And it does taste better.

LIFESTYLE BOOSTER: Celebrity Slim (RRP $6 per sachet)

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Clean one-liners

Who’d have thunk it: I know some clean jokes! OK, so they aren’t particularly funny but it’s a hard road finding the perfect joke.

Why is the ocean wet?

Because the sea weed.

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Why did the fly fly?

Because the spider spied her.

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What do you call a kungfu pig?

Porkchop!

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What do you call a blind deer?

No idea.

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What do you call a dead blind deer?

Still no idea.

»»»»««««

How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler!

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No wuckin’ furries

In the greatest scandal to rock children’s television since Big Bird started toking up and imagining a big hairy critter named Snuffy, a mum in Cardiff reckons her young daughter has picked up a naughty word (starts with F, ends in UCK; rhymes with duck) from Peppa Pig.

To be honest, I initially thought she was just having a bit of a whinge, but after listening I have to say it certainly sounds like one of those words that would have made my Standard 1 teacher Mrs Bridgeman shudder. And Mrs Bridgeman was pretty resilient (and hairy, too. But that’s probably not relevant to the conversation. But damn, that woman had a hairy chin).

But I digress. Have a listen: what do you reckon?

ON THE WEB

Peppa Pig taught my little girl the F word

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Shock, horror: Wrinkle alert!

I make no secret of the fact that I am no fan of any of the Kardashians (famous for fuck all apart from dodgy marriages and, well, actually that’s about it). But I really think it’s scraping the bottom of the barrel to be banging on about Bruce Jenner’s puckered jawline being a combination of ageing and botched plastic surgery.

Yes, he may well have had some questionable plastic surgery back in the day but holy crap … he’s a 64-year-old bloke with a wrinkly neck. Isn’t that normal? A whole lot more normal than mama Kardashian (Kris?) and her taut, line-free face. Or indeed the faces of so many Hollywood types, with their wind-tunnel look hiding any evidence of age.

Here’s the deal: as we get older, our skin loses a little of it’s perkiness. As do many of our other bits and pieces. This is how it is meant to be. I hardly think gravity is newsworthy.

OK, so he’s a slightly odd-looking bloke with slightly effeminate features (rumours are of an impending sex change surgery, which he has denied … who knows), but the wrinkly neck is probably not as bad as that of the average, normal REAL 64-year-old.

The high-waisted grandad pants (click on the link below)? Well that’s a whole other story!

ON THE WEB

Bruce Jenner reveals puckered jawline

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Swisspers Aloe Everything Balm

SwisspersI was pretty happy with this one: it’s a good, all purpose balm that comes in a convenient little tub that will fit in any handbag.

I loved the Burt’s Bees Res-Q Ointment that I tried out a few months ago and I reckon this one will become another of my “go to” products.

While the Burt’s Bees concoction is a great little balm to heal all manner of bites, scratches and burns (great for a klutz like me), this one does a fantastic job of general soothing and smoothing. You can use it to remove eye makeup, spread some on your lips if they are a bit dry, even use it to sculpt your eyebrows if they are getting a bit unruly.

It has a pleasant and fairly neutral smell and unlike some aloe vera products, it didn’t irritate my skin. It’s a pretty good price for something that does so much and looks like a 50ml tub will go a long way.

SWISSPERS ALOE EVERYTHING BALM (RRP $15 for 50ml)

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MEET YOUR BLOGGER

Jillian "George" Allison-Aitken

I live in the deep south of New Zealand, where smelly dairy cows are taking over from sheep in the livestock stakes. My hometown is the small but perfectly formed city of Invercargill, which is also the hometown of the original boy racer, Burt Munro. Find out more about me here.

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