Signs the USS Enterprise is nearing the end of its warranty

February 5, 2010
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Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.

Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at “88″.

Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.

Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now help up by phone book.

Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with “w”.

Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.

Captain’s chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.

Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.

Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.

Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become too steep for crew to climb.

Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.

Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.

Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.

Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.

Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.

Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley’s shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.

Ship’s dryer indiscriminately shreds crew’s uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.

Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says “Pretty please with sugar on it”.

Replacement parts for automatic door to captain’s ready room are exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.

Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.

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