Beware of newsprint and other whack jobs

(This is the Online column, written for The Southland Times)

Before I start, I should point out that contrary to popular opinion, I’m not a violent person.

Sure, I make no secret of my desire to become a Taser-owner and I’ve been known to beat the occasional wayward reporter with a rolled up newspaper (hello Sarah!), but that doesn’t mean I’m violent. I just have goals. And good aim (hello again, Sarah).

Oh, and for the record, according to the good people who manufacture the aforementioned electronic control device, we should call it an electronic control device.

Apparently, “I’m going to Taser you” is also incorrect. The right wording would be: “I’m going to stop you with a Taser device”.

I’m glad we cleared that up.

Anyway, my official request for an electronic control device to be included in the next office stationery order has been denied by the powers-that-be but a quick search on the internet has revealed video instructions on how to put together a similar device using a disposable camera.

Although, I suppose I should do the sensible thing here and not include a link because we don’t want irresponsible people building do-it-yourself electronic control devices and zapping one another willy nilly.

Besides, the fewer people with the instructions, the more potential victims I have.

Now, where was I? Ah yes, I’m not a violent person.

It was a bit of a dramatic weekend for sports fans, what with the infestation of Fords at Bathurst and the lovely Lewis Hamilton missing the finish of the Chinese Grand Prix. Oh, and there was some rugby game on too.

However, there was even more drama at the filming of the Fox Reality Channel Really Awards last week. Former The Partridge Family star Danny Bonaduce (if you’re too young to know what that programme is, then Google it, you smug young whippersnapper) had a bit of a set-to with universally hated Survivor: Pearl Islands contestant Johnny Fairplay.

It ended with Fairplay losing some teeth and while the cops have decided Bonaduce didn’t do anything wrong, Fairplay is planning to sue him anyway.

I wonder if there’s a defence fund we can donate to?


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