This year’s award winners are ….

(This is the Online column, written for The Southland Times)

Welcome to the annual Southland Times internet awards. I’m not Billy Crystal and no one’s going home with a gold-plated GI Joe. Now, on with the awards.

The Do You Know Your Arts From Your Elbow Award?
Modesty Panel’s little online quiz (update: the site, along with the “Is it art or crap” quiz, no longer exists) will help you hone your is it-art-skills if you are nervous about the art world. Weird Art was a strong contender in this category with its array of weird art collected from various sites around the world wide web. That site was inspired by another nominee in this section, the Museum of Bad Art, the world’s only museum dedicated to the collection, preservation, exhibition and celebration of bad art in all its forms.

However, the judging panel (me) voted for the impressive Zoomquilt. The site takes a while to load but it’s certainly worth the wait.

 

The Beating Around The Bush Award
Young Georgie Bush had a pretty successful year and I’m sure he made his folks proud. He managed to avoid choking on any pretzels, continued his game of hide-and-seek with Osama and managed to win that little election bunfight in his spare time. The nominees for this award are: About.com’s collection of foot-in-mouth quotes from the man himself, MadBlast’s Pulp Politicians and Jibjab’s catchy little ditty.

And the winner is (this is a low-budget affair, so you’ll have to imagine a drum roll about here): None of em — little Georgie jnr has already won more than enough lately.

The Weird is Good Award
So many sites, so little time. The Pig Brother site is always a good choice, managing to pull in about 1.5 million curious visitors a week with its 24-hour live webcam coverage of a family of wild boar. For the plain and simple approach to the world of weird, you can’t go past News of the Weird.  Then there’s the cheerfully titled death clock site. As of 5 o’clock this morning I have 16,522 days, 7 hours, 24 minutes, 45 seconds left before I shuffle off this mortal coil.

However, the award goes to the gentle entertainment and relaxation on offer at Subservient Chicken. Brought to you by the good people at Burger King, this bloody big chook will do almost anything you ask. One small warning: be prepared for an expression of annoyance if you ask for a Big Mac.

The Bleeding Ears Award
The sad thing about this award is that there were just so many choices. How about Andy Griffith singing the old classic House of the Rising Sun, Phyllis Diller singing I Can’t Get No Satisfaction or Baywatch beefcake David Hasselhoff singing anything.

Fade to Black’s Rock and Roll Hall of Shame has a massive list of musical catastrophes for your listening displeasure, as does Miserable Melodies.

Listen to all of them, then be afraid, be very afraid. I’ve found something worse. I’d like to say a special thanks to The Southland Times deputy editor Chris Chilton for sending me the link to Star Trek’s original head honcho William Shatner singing Rocket Man. It’s so truly awful that it has to win.

(Glad to help —Deputy Editor )

The Supreme Award
This hotly contended category drew a range of nominees. First up was the classic Badger song, sure to get all toes a-tapping and irritate the hell out of my poor, long-suffering husband. The laughing cat is another that’s sure to evoke some sort of reaction and the World’s Most Dangerous Creature is a bit of a giggle.

But forget about those because a late contender took out this ultimate award. The Llama Song is a classic in the making. Perhaps it could even be called the new Badger song.

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