Election time

August 12, 2004
By

(This is the Online column written for The Southland Times)

Good morning. I don’t know what time it is out there in newspaper reader land but at the time of writing this it’s 5.41 on a rainy Wednesday morning.

Not being able to sleep, I decided to see what I could find on the net that might send me into such a deep state of boredom that I’d wander off to the land of nod.

The upcoming United States presidential election excites me about as much as a bucket of wet paper so I thought I’d have a look-see online to check out the latest info.

The first site I found was certainly not the kind to send me off to sleep. Once you click to play at Jib Jab it will take a while for the flash file to load but it’s worth the wait. Who knew little Georgie jnr and his arch-nemesis could harmonise so well.

Of course, we’re only hearing about George Bush and John Kerry in the news but there are plenty of other candidates in the running.

Politics1 has a full list of all the candidates and some of them sound almost interesting.

  • Personal Choice Party candidate Charles Jay isn’t one of them, but his running mate is. Marilyn Chambers Taylor’s claim to fame is being one of the oldest stars to regularly appear in mainstream porn movies at the moment. She also used to own a gun shop during a break from the porn trade. Links on the page covering their election hopes include the Personal Choice Party’s official site and Marilyn’s official porn site.If they were to succeed in their political endeavours, I can’t help but wonder what she’d wear to the inauguration bash.
  • The Light Party is represented in this political bunfight by Da Vid, who describes himself as a holistic physician, human ecologist and artist. He promotes holistic medicine, national health insurance, organic foods, solar energy, nuclear disarmament and a flat tax.
  • Thomas Wells is opposed to tobacco products, tattoos, alcohol, drugs and gambling. Guess he won’t be asking me to join his party any time soon.
  • Jack Grimes, representing the United Fascist Union, is another hopeful. According to the Politics1 website, Mr Grimes wants to restore a New World Order based upon the governmental style of Imperial Rome “to institute a military dictatorship form of government over the Earth”.

Politics1 profiles all the candidates, and some of the other highlights include Party X representative Darren E Karr, who wants to abolish taxes and political correctness (he’d get my vote) and Maudin (yes, just the one name like Prince, or Cher or R2D2), who believes the people of Earth must use the internet to network and organise at the grassroots level, outside of the corporate global power structure, in a leaderless revolution of awareness and ideas.

Resistance is futile.

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